My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
this hospital has no fireball
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
