Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
