Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
