If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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