I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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