I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
