I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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