I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
