I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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