Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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