Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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