Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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