Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He? As in you personified your dick?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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