Porn is love you can see.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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