i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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