I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
