Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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