i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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