No period for spring break; use this wisely.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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