i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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