Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
