I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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