So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
