Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
