tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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