Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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