dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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