george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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