I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize