As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
the condom got lost in my hair
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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