I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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