He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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