I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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