I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
