I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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