he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
