SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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