nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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