She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
