oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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