You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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