just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm way too hungover for life right now
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
