so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
