i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
