I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
