Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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