im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
