I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
