Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
