Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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