Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize