There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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