When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
