1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
