just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
