At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
