but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
