Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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