im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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