When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
