mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize