Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
