Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
