Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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