soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
