I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
